Hakuna Matata

....someday. Not today.

When I was about 17 or 18 a group of marine biologists visited school. They were on some expedition that was following some type of whale around the world for three years. I was fascinated. For me, life could not get anymore exciting. Sure enough, life on the high seas could not have been easy but to wake up to sunrise in a different part of the world everyday would more than make up for it. I remember mentioning this to a friend who rolled her eyes at me and said "What sort of a life would that be? You'd never have a family life".

Dreams of a husband and babies and a pretty house were never for me (except maybe when I was around 12). Plans of saving the world and making a difference were shelved a good while back. Right now all I want to do is live my life and enjoy it as much as I can. I don't care about saving the planet or helping the poor. I think the main reason I believe in feminism is because I don't want people telling me what I can or cannot do, especially if the reason for it is "because you're a girl". I would like to see abortion legalised in Sri Lanka, I would like to see marital rape legally recognised, to see irreconcilable differences or breakdown of marriage as a ground for divorce, to see homosexuality decriminalised and same-sex marriage be given the same importance as that between a man and a woman. I would even do what I can to "help the cause" for lack of a better phrase, but I won't feel like a failure if none of that occurs. Selfish I know.

I like my job, but I don't see the point of it. In fact I don't see the point of most jobs people do. To assume people are being saved from X,Y and Z because I and many others like me sit in front of a computer for the better part of eight hours and fret about meaningless deadlines, the fourth volume of a newsletter only 10 people read and and argue about the shock value of an ad and ethics and what's right and what's wrong is just a placebo we give ourselves to feel we're making a difference. We sing our song to the same people and have our arguments with them and at the end of the day nothing changes. The only person whose life is made better by my job is mine, because I get money at the end of the month. It's just a means to an end. The problem is, the end doesn't seem to be anywhere in sight. You go on saving and thinking after X happens or Y finishes I'll take a break or go on holiday. And when finally you get a chance, you try to fit in as much as you can into the two weeks work let's you have that you end up feeling more miserable than you started out.

I won't live beyond another 60 years. That's for sure. No one's going to remember me after that, let alone where I worked or what qualifications I had. So why try this hard? Why have my nose to the grindstone day after day and feel guilty about reading a book instead of reworking a proposal? I've been feeling restless for a while. Like there's something better out there that is passing me by. The feeling ebbs and flows but never goes away completely. And I'm afraid of the day it will because that means I resign myself to where and what I am. On the other hand, it can't come sooner because I'm tired of the race. I'm tired of living in hope that "some day things will be different". Whoever said contentment is bliss was mistaken. It's ignorance that is really bliss. Contentment is a double-edged sword. You're fucked with it, you're fucked without it.

I know someone who spent a good three years in Africa working, but also travelling around seeing it like it is. I don't think it was all rosy. I remember him telling me in the end he wanted to go home, to all the things that were familiar. But of course, to go out and 'volunteer' is a privilege reserved for those from the countries with the right number of zeroes in their GDP. For me, life outside my country, even if it means a short trip to see a friend would mean baring my soul to some glorified paper-pusher and praying to anyone that will listen that I will not be held responsible for the actions and words of a Government I do not support or agree with. Geo-politics is making our decisions for us. Three colleagues from work were refused visas for no apparent reason. Two were hoping to take part in conferences, one was hoping to do an internship. At the moment, we have a British intern working with us. The conditions and terms for both internships were identical. The difference was the direction of temporary migration. Clearly that's only allowed one way.

Oh lookey here. Another whine. I'm stopping now.Take it away the Stones

Can Someone Please Tell Me....

why there is no Whisper in the market for so long and who is responsible for it?? I have a few bones to pick.

Bastards! I'm sure some man is behind the shortage.

Reality Bites...

... and it really hurts.

After five mojitos, a pina colada-ish cocktail*, tequila and a glass of arrack accompanied by good friends and good food, life seems liveable (not that I was ever suicidal, but you know how it goes) even on a Tuesday and the Methodology paper from hell recedes into the fuzzy, cobwebby corners of your memory along with the rest of the half a million useless things you have to worry about. You go to sleep thinking there's a solution to every problem and that tomorrow will be bright, sunshiny day.

The problem with ethanol-based happiness is though, you wake up the next morning and realise - it's still Wednesday, you have to be at work in half an hour, you have a week's worth of catching up to do (nothing like a 5 foot long to-do list to welcome you back to work), you have a paper to do on Saturday, you won't get any more leave to pretend to study for it, you're broke and there's a week more to pay day, you have to cobble up a presentable dissertation and convince your superviser to sign off on it, the day is really too sunshiny and that you were really just temporarily brain-dead last night.

Gah. At least there was no hangover.

I call for more alcohol therapy.

PS - you guys should try that 7 degrees place at Trans Asia. OMG, the cocktails are to die for. Look for Daniel the bartender (ponytail, sounds Australian, you can't miss him), tell him what sort of cocktail you like and let him do his thing. If you don't like what he shakes up for you, I'd be very surprised. With really good unplugged music (disclaimer - I can only vouch for good music on Tuesdays but my friend says it's good throughout), the place is really cool to sit by the lake and relax. The food is also pretty good. Be warned though, it doesn't come cheap.

* I have no idea what it was, he said it's from the new menu he's going to release next month, had a hint of Malibu, apparently had two other kinds of alcohol and was DE-licious!

Life or Something Like It

Been a while since I put up a proper post. As usual, there’s no reason for it other than laziness in general and having other things that take up my time and brain space. The fact that I said brain space to try and explain what I mean should indicate how bad the current brain freeze is.

I’m exactly one month away from exams and I’m still waiting for the panic attack to hit me; you know the one that hits you at 3 o’clock in the morning with a “WTF are you doing sleeping when you should be studying?!” kind of panic attack. The fact that I’m a heavy sleeper will, I hope, not interfere with the panic attack. Saying panic attack four times in three sentences should suffice to convey the seriousness of the lack of it. I don’t even know why I signed up for this course. I told this to Cleopatrick who reminded me why. “You didn’t want to become a housewife remember?”. True that. I didn’t, though the current stress levels might mean I end my life with slit wrists before I turn 30. We had a discussion about it (by discussion I mean he told me in mocking tones) that slit wrists is too emo-teen a way for a housewife to go and that it’s better to jump off a building. However, I disagree. I don’t want to leave the world looking like someone’s breakfast (think scrambled egg) but rat poison is also no good. I don’t want that to be the last thing I taste. So, if anyone has a quick, easy, un-emo, doesn’t-taste-bad way to end one’s life, please do leave a comment.

In all seriousness though, I didn’t foresee full-time employment when I signed up for this course, and when it did come my way, I didn’t foresee this level of busy-ness. I guess we are feeling the recession, because everyone’s working over their usual capacity and at times the strain shows. I have put my legal education temporarily on hold. After these exams finish I will take a break from education for a while. By break I mean, I will not attempt to juggle employment and education together. There are people who do it and do it well. Problem is, I’m not one of those people.

That said, I can’t complain about the employment. There are moments though, when I’m running against a tight deadline, pushed to the very edge because I had to balance it against a hundred other deadlines at work, when I ask myself what the hell I’m doing and why I’m bothering this hard but overall, the good days far outnumber the bad and I trudge to work morning after morning. Trudge not because I hate work but because I hate mornings, just so that we’re clear on that. I like the work that I do and I like the place that I’m at, even though I called it a pretentious place at first. I'm not sure if it's stopped being pretentious because I now know more about the work they do or if I've just become pretentious myself. Ho hum. And in spite of my reservations about working in an establishment that is predominantly female, it has been pretty fine thus far. Fingers crossed it stays the same, though the kind of luck I’ve had so far is where I say things are ok and the next thing I know it all comes crashing down. Boo hoo eh?

The past few months have been interesting, for lack of a better, more encapsulating word. There have been a few firsts in my life, including the first time I managed to have an entire meal using chopsticks and not drop anything. And just in case you’re worried my shallowness has reached all new depths (is that an oxymoron or what) let me assure you, I’m worried too. I had my first 360 review at work and that went a lot better than expected. Worked this last week on my first proper paper for work with the immediate boss lady (IBL) which was an interesting experience. I was up to my ears in maternal deaths and child mortalities. I now know that being a woman in South Asia, I have a 1 in 59 chance of dying a maternal death. I totally used the numbers out of context here but that’s just detail. (If you’re interested and just in case I get accusations of trying to convince women of not reproducing, go right ahead. Sri Lanka has some of the most reassuring stats in the region). Speaking of babies, I found out that a classmate from school recently gave birth to a second child, this on top of being a final year BSc student. And here I’m complaining about finding a job and an exam too much to deal with.

It’s that time of the year when I get all angsty about life in general and mine in particular and questions about where I’m going and what I’m doing start to turn cogs in my head that are usually happy being static. A few personal reasons, including the mother mentioning the M word (le horror!) has made them turn faster than usual and I desperately need to hatch an escape plan. The sense of desperation I sometimes feel when thinking about these things makes everything seem impossible and bleak and dreary. The rational part of my brain, usually ignored, continues to go ignored when it says silly things like “don’t take any notice of it”. I have also come to realise I hate my family’s branch of Interfering Aunts Inc. (both maternal and paternal divisions, but especially the maternal one where the aunts are more interfering and less mind-your-own-businessy). I hear friends say things like “I’ll probably be married in two years”. I don’t know if they’re serious (they probably are) and I don’t know how they feel about it (resigned? elated? indifferent? freaked out?). I know I can’t feel any of that just now. Marriage? Me? Wtf? That’s pretty much my train of thought and then I imagine the train running over each of my aunts and I’m happy. Aaaah. The peaceful sound of silence.

I need a way out and I wish MR and his band of conspiracy theorists would stop closing up all my potential escape routes by antagonising governments and throwing diplomats out with wild theories of sympathy for terrorists and attempts at bringing them down.

The only silver lining on a very dark cloud, pay day is only a few days away. My favourite day of the month.

Oh, and happy eid all. I've been promised a bowl of watalappam so I guess it ain't so bad after all.

The Million Dollar* Question

• Increased levels of job stress/exam stress/existential angst ---> higher levels of procrastination = increased levels of facebook activity/higher blogging frequency/plot with T to put chewing gum in co-workers hair in a bid to get her to cut it (what?! It's too long ok?) = decreased level of efficiency**

• Decreased level of efficiency = higher probability of being fired ---> unemployment
  

• Unemployment ---> lower levels of stress = eternal sunshine of a jobless mind??

Anyone volunteers to test the hypothesis?***

*Metaphorical of course because which unemployed person you know has a million dollars to show for for being jobless?
**Hypothetical of course, because we all know I'm a model employee
***Conditions apply

Conditions - simple really. Risk of job loss and/or unemployment shall be the sole problem of the guinea pig volunteer as tester of hypothesis also faces potential unemployment.

It's Like He Read My Mind

Well, I don't know, but I've been told,
You never slow down, you never grow old.
I'm tired of screwin' up, tired of going down,
Tired of myself, tired of this town.

Oh, my, my. Oh, hell, yes.
Honey, put on that party dress.
Buy me a drink, sing me a song.
Take me as I come 'cause I can't stay long.

This job business is too hard. I wish someone would just marry me and maintain me for the rest of my life. Sigh.